Forget the lump of coal

Damon: Mom, what are those three red dots on your nose?
me: Pimples.
Damon: I guess your sugar-free diet isn't working.
me: Maybe it would if I stopped eating sugar.
Damon: Yeah, whenever you make treats, you get five and the rest of us only get one.

I'm going to put a muzzle in that kid's stocking.

One fine day a week or two ago Anne informed me she got water on the bathroom floor. I went in to inspect and thanked her for telling me so I could clean it up. I assumed the water was from her washing her hands, as I had just heard her flush the toilet. Then she told me, "I put a green rag in the toilet." I lifted up the toilet lid and found the water had reached the rim of the bowl. So, the water on the floor was not from the sink. I put Anne in time-out. We have green dishrags, so I guessed that's what Anne had flushed. She is forever taking out my dish towels and hiding them, but this is the first time she's hid one in the toilet. I was not pleased. I did some research on the internet and found out I needed to go to Home Depot to buy a toilet auger. (Unfortunately by this time I had already scratched the porcelain with a wire hanger. Remember to always do your internet research first, folks.) So, I started getting the girls shoes on and told them why we had to go to the store. "Can I come?" asked Anne, all excited. "We need to go to the candy store." What the?! I was about ready to beat her. She overflows the toilet and thinks she gets candy for it. That is why parents spank. (I don't spank or beat my children, but I was sure tempted this time.)

This kid is getting a straight-jacket for Christmas.

Now Claire came up to me today and said, "Mommy, you are wearing a beautiful dress. I want to wear a beautiful dress like you." Nevermind that I was wearing slacks and a long-sleeved tee. This child can have something fabulous for Christmas.